Raging Against the World

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What’s a little Sex between Friends?

Regrets?

Whenever I meet a girl and we hit it off, it’s usually not long before I am placed in the “just good friends” category.  We’ll sit at lunch having immensely enjoyable conversation and it won’t be long before the girl will bemoan her singledom and how she just can’t find a good man.  I sit there wondering, “well what’s so wrong about me?”.  To use the old Joan Rivers line, “What am I? Chopped Liver?”

Sometimes I’ll raise the subject saying that I too am available and how we could give it a go, after all we already get on like a house on fire.  The answer always comes back, “I don’t see you in that way”.  Time and time again it happens.  I just can’t start talking to a girl without being shunted into the no-sex box, as though I’m an honorary eunuch.  The ‘safe’ person they can be with and never feel that my perfectly-functional man-bits could come into play.  Maybe they think of me like Barbie’s Ken.  Just an accessory with nothing under the underwear.  But we ‘love’ each other in that friendship way.  No-one could come between us, right?  They then go off with a complete bastard who doesn’t give a damn about them.  C’est la vie.

But can friends have sex without emotional ties?  I once house-shared with a couple of girls and one of them told me I could be her ‘tap’.  We would sneakily have night-time assignations without the knowledge of the other girl (they were bosom pals).  It was purely a physical thing, I was just there for when there was no guy in her life.

I have on occasion been with a friend on a drunken night out where one thing has led to another.  The same thing happens: the sex is great, we both enjoyed it and… the next morning, the cold light of day (literally) seems to render the physical act an abhorrence (to her).  There’s the avoided gaze, the retreat to several feet away.  It’s clear guilt/shame.  How could they have done something so wrong?  With him?  Urgh, what were they thinking?  The great sex has been negated.  It never happened, ok?  A good thing has become a deep dark nasty secret.

I have a friend who is very sexually motivated.  I’ve known her for years and we have had no-strings sex.  It worked out well.  Due to large distance it hasn’t been repeated, but she is unscarred by it.  We still talk regularly, nothing has changed.  Could it be that emotional maturity is the key?  If we can accept it just as a bit of pleasure and enjoyment, would that make it ok?  Who doesn’t enjoy an orgasm?  You know how good it feels.

How often have you heard a married perso say their spouse is “my best friend”?  Let’s blur the boundaries a bit and get rid of some of our self-imposed restrictions.

I’m open to discussion on this. Please leave comments (the lengthier the better).

5 responses to “What’s a little Sex between Friends?

  1. partlyfallen Sunday 13th March, 2011 at 10.08 pm

    I, for one, don’t seem to be able to have sex without becoming emotionally involved, even if it is one sided. Unfortunately this has often been the case. I’ve had so called “just sex” relationships with friends, but I was always hoping for more. It’s a killer when that doesn’t happen.

    I really don’t know what’s required in order to maintain a a “friends with benefits” relationship, and I’m not sure I’m interested in finding out. Each to their own I suppose.

    Thoroughly enjoy reading your blog btw. Very well written and some interesting points raised. x

  2. Jules Sunday 13th March, 2011 at 10.18 pm

    I have been promised….well…I have no idea what I’ve been promised to write the first comment….so here goes!

    Not something I have ever done, but I would personally value a friendship more than something ephemeral such as a night (morning, or afternoon) of passion. I would be quite scared it would ruin a friendship as it is something rather more intimate than I’d probably be prepared to share with a friend.

    I also like to do a bit of flirting with male friends, which is only acceptable to me as long as it doesn’t cross a line into something different. Tease, me? Never! ;-)

    In all seriousness, I think it depends on the friends and their expectations of each other. Generally speaking I would say women seek relationships, and sex within a relationship. Friendships are possibly even more valuable. If the relationship goes wrong, it’s very difficult to keep the friendship, in my experience.

    So, that’s my comment…..what’s the prize?

  3. FionaF77 Sunday 13th March, 2011 at 10.26 pm

    Ok, so here’s the thing. It’s not all about you. And I will go on to contradict myself and tell you it is all about you, but bear with me.
    I am a believer in the view that there’s always a sexual undercurrent with friends of the other sex. It might have been in the past and now be spent, but it either was, or is, there. But if it hasn’t yet emerged, there is that concern, from mostly women, that acting on it will change the relationship.
    Why? Because once it’s happened, you can’t go back. And one of life’s great excitements is wondering ‘does that person find me sexually
    attractive?’ Having a male friend you can flirt with, have a frisson with, but never really *know* , is a turn on.
    Also, women (big generalisation I know) have
    this thing about living up to what’s expected, even their own expectations, and can carry round a bit of a template about who they should be with. It’s a falsehood and the act of the stupid but I won’t go into that here.
    I have several male friends who say the same as you ‘women put me in the friend camp and nothing else’. Here’s the thing – you’re half way there. But you have to take yourself out of the friend camp for her to see you as anything more. You must be attractive to her or she wouldn’t be your friend – I believe. So what’s the problem?
    In my experience, it’s because you put yourself down. You talk about ‘the morning after’ in terms of the girl being guilty/shameful because she slept with YOU! Rubbish. She’s embarrassed cos you slept with HER. Saw her naked, saw her animal side, saw her let go. There’s also a distinct possibility she was waiting for that moment for some time, even subconsciously, andvis just overwhelmed. I know, I’ve been there. And I’ve pushed people away due to being self-conscious & unconfident. Women’s reactions to that stuff are 99% about they feel about themselves, rarely how they feel about you.
    I don’t agree with the premise that those who can do it (uncomplicated sex with friends) have emotional maturity as such, just that they’re self-assured enough to be ok to going back to having distance and not see it as rejection. (‘He enjoys having sex with me, why won’t he go out with me’ – heard it a hundred times).
    So, how to sum up. Yes you can have sex with friends as long as everyone is cool that it’s temporary and everyone has strong self-esteem. And you as the forever friend – stop thinking like that and you won’t be. Women do want a good guy. But they don’t want to think upfront that a friend type is what they’re getting. Less asking ‘why are you not picking me?’, more ‘why you should pick me’.

  4. nora Friday 18th March, 2011 at 3.30 am

    i agree with all the comments made so far – very interesting and perceptive stuff.

    as a perennial “friend” myself, i have realised i set myself up in this role, to cushion me from potential rejection. the problem of course, is that if i’m not prepared to risk presenting myself as a sexual/romantic option, i won’t be seen that way. confidence really IS the most attractive quality.

    i know curtail friendships with members of the opposite sex if i have an unrequited crush, or if they have rejected me and are attempting to be “friends”. bad for the old self-esteem. i find it uncomfortable, because being in situations which reinforce my low self-esteem are familiar to me, but i also feel lots better. i want a relationship, and if i keep selling myself short, i won’t get what i want.

    people can only treat you as you allow yourself to be treated. you can’t change how they behave, but you can choose what you accept.

    2.30am nonsense?! probably ;)

  5. Breanna Saturday 21st January, 2012 at 7.02 am

    Hi, I have a guy friend that I have know for years and I recently got dumped by my boyfriend. I started hanging out with my friend a lot more and told him how it happened and HE mind you I said HE, brought up the topic of sex between us, because like a girl I was complaining that a month before the break up my boyfriend would touch me. Or near me in a sexual way and I’m deprived. So anyways. To the point. We are out of town together me and this friend with a few other friends that fell asleep. We bought the proper equipment for this action we want to commit. But I don’t want to kiss him. That’s how I start sex. I guess what I’m saying is how do I make it not awkward how do I get it going tonight in the room????

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